Fun With God and Satan

 

Constantine (2005) Review 5
Director:Francis Lawrence,
Starring:Keanu Reeves, Rachel Weisz, Shia LaBeouf, and Djimon Hounsou
Length:121 minutes
Rated:R

 

 

Constantine (2005) Review 7Once apon a time, there was a guy named Mani. He lived in ancient Persia a couple of thousand years ago and started a church that competed with Christianity and Islam quite successfully before pooping out in China around 1776. The basic premise was that God and the Devil were equal and so were heaven and hell.

Manichaeism was a major influence in Christianity during it’s early years, and the Catholic cosmology is to some extent the same as Mani’s. That’s why everyone in the Hellraiser comic book, on which this film is based, is a good Catholic. Even the demons are good Catholics. It’s pathetic. Why can’t they do a major theological action flick about Reform Judaism or Ethical Culture?

When he was a kid, John Constantine (Keanu Reeves) was driven to suicide by his ability to seen demons and angels. After his suicide, John went to Hell. But here is the twist, even though Jesus hates suicide, our hero only goes to Hell briefly before being saved by a doctor. John knows that having tried to off himself, JESUS HATES HIM and WILL NEVER LET HIM INTO HEAVEN even if he REPENTS!!!!

But John has a plan, he’ll do the Lord’s work and earn his way into Heaven. But the archangel Gabriel (Tilda Swinton) tells him that wanting to get into Heaven is selfish and therefore sinful, and thus Jesus still hates his guts.

But our hero John is still optimistic, and he and his sidekick Chaz (Shia LaBoeuf) go around in a taxi grabbing demons and sending them back to Hell. But something is going on, for they’re managing to, however briefly, get into the mortal plane.

With the help of John’s other pals Father Hennessey (Pruitt Taylor Vince) and Balthazar (Gavin Rossdale) he may be on his way to a solution. But then there’s a distraction. Atheistic Detective Angela Dodson’s (Rachel Weisz) twin sister Isabel has just committed suicide by jumping off the top of her mental hospital. Can Constantine discover whether she went to heaven or the other place?

Will the mystical bartender Midnite (Djimon Hounsou) give up his vow of moral objectivity and help save the world? And what does Satan (Peter Stormare) have to say about this?

Screenwriter Kevin Brodbin’s script is quite wacky in parts, and the acting is above par and the special effects are top notch. Reeves does Constantine as Neo with a smoking habit and one can tell he’s having a good time. So do we.